Social Connections
Social Connections
Nurturing the relationships in your life
Two of the greatest things that I've taken away from this moment in time is the ability to take more pauses to savor moments in my life, and how I am able to nurture my relationships with those closest to me. The latter has always come very naturally to me, as I am a bit of an extrovert. My relationships are incredibly important to me and I do whatever I can to be as giving to them as I can be. Giving of not just material things, but giving of my time, energy, and love. This week's homework from the course was to focus on kindness and social connections. Once you start to dig in to one of those areas you start to see how intertwined they really are.
Kindness
Kindness as a character strength, as defined by VIA Institute on Character, consists of doing favors and good deeds for others without the expectation of personal gain. This strength requires respect for others but also includes emotional affection. Kind people find joy in the act of giving and helping other people, regardless of their degree of relatedness or similarity.
During the first week of the course I discovered that kindness was in my top 4 of my character strengths. I easily identify with labeling myself as a giver, but I also consider this as one of my best and worst traits. The reason for this being, you cannot give without having any boundaries, and to be quite frank, I am absolute shit when it comes to defining boundaries. On the flip side, I never regret giving everything I have to the people I love, because without kindness there can not be joy. The immense gratification I get from being able to help someone or do something kind for them is immeasurable, and often results in my creating deeper social connections with those people.
Studies show that happy people are motivated to do good deeds for others. Kindness also can lead to a slew of other benefits, that Sonja Lyubomirsky notes in her book "The How of Happiness".
Kindness exercise: Do one random act of kindness (it should be something that really helps or impacts another person), and see how what it does to your mood.
Examples of random acts of kindness (in the time of COVID):
Building Trust
Like I said, I am a giver and when I love someone I want to give them everything I have, especially emotionally. So how does one who wants to give so much start to create those boundaries that are necessary to put in place so that the "giver" isn't take advantage of? It first requires a foundation of trust. Once you know that you can truly someone, you then be able to give freely and will benefit most positively from your random acts of kindness. Brené Brown has an excellent acronym for how to establish trust, and that acronym is BRAVING:
Boundaries -You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.
Reliability - You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t over promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.
Accountability - You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault -You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.
Integrity - You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.
Nonjudgment - I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
Generosity - You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Copyright © 2018 by Brené Brown, LLC | All rights reserved | www.brenebrown.com/daretolead
Establishing a strong foundation is the key to being able to develop long lasting meaningful relationships. Maintaining these relationships though takes work. You must be willing to put in the effort on a consistent basis. Due to hedonic adaptation, variation is also key. Although doing one act of kindness each day will host a plethora of good benefits to your overall well-being, it won't do you any good if you're forced to do so. So let's dive in to how we can deepen and nurture our relationships.
References:
"The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky
https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths
https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/BRAVING.pdf
Nurturing the relationships in your life
Two of the greatest things that I've taken away from this moment in time is the ability to take more pauses to savor moments in my life, and how I am able to nurture my relationships with those closest to me. The latter has always come very naturally to me, as I am a bit of an extrovert. My relationships are incredibly important to me and I do whatever I can to be as giving to them as I can be. Giving of not just material things, but giving of my time, energy, and love. This week's homework from the course was to focus on kindness and social connections. Once you start to dig in to one of those areas you start to see how intertwined they really are.
Kindness
Kindness as a character strength, as defined by VIA Institute on Character, consists of doing favors and good deeds for others without the expectation of personal gain. This strength requires respect for others but also includes emotional affection. Kind people find joy in the act of giving and helping other people, regardless of their degree of relatedness or similarity.
During the first week of the course I discovered that kindness was in my top 4 of my character strengths. I easily identify with labeling myself as a giver, but I also consider this as one of my best and worst traits. The reason for this being, you cannot give without having any boundaries, and to be quite frank, I am absolute shit when it comes to defining boundaries. On the flip side, I never regret giving everything I have to the people I love, because without kindness there can not be joy. The immense gratification I get from being able to help someone or do something kind for them is immeasurable, and often results in my creating deeper social connections with those people.
Studies show that happy people are motivated to do good deeds for others. Kindness also can lead to a slew of other benefits, that Sonja Lyubomirsky notes in her book "The How of Happiness".
- Kindness has a cascade of positive social consequences. People will:
- like you
- respect you
- show gratitude towards you
- reciprocate that kindness in your time of need
- Being generous and willing to share makes others happy.
- Helping others highlights your abilities and expertise, as well as give you a sense of control in your life.
- Being generous makes you look at people more kindly.
- Acts of kindness can have a ripple effect by inspiring others to do the same for someone else.
- Being kind (or philanthropic) has a greater positive impact on your life than having money will. (ex. Bill Gates donates more than half of his fortune philanthropically)
Kindness exercise: Do one random act of kindness (it should be something that really helps or impacts another person), and see how what it does to your mood.
Examples of random acts of kindness (in the time of COVID):
- Call a friend that you haven't spoken to in a while
- Donate to a charity, restaurant, or individual in need
- Send someone a letter
- Bring someone coffee (or venmo them for it)
- Tell someone how grateful you are for them
- Give someone a compliment
- Listen intently to someone and give your time and energy to them
- Send someone an unexpected gift (if you are financially able to) just to show you're thinking of them or something that will make their life easier
- Cook a nice meal for your partner or plan a date night
Building Trust
Like I said, I am a giver and when I love someone I want to give them everything I have, especially emotionally. So how does one who wants to give so much start to create those boundaries that are necessary to put in place so that the "giver" isn't take advantage of? It first requires a foundation of trust. Once you know that you can truly someone, you then be able to give freely and will benefit most positively from your random acts of kindness. Brené Brown has an excellent acronym for how to establish trust, and that acronym is BRAVING:
Boundaries -You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.
Reliability - You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t over promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.
Accountability - You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
Vault -You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.
Integrity - You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.
Nonjudgment - I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
Generosity - You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.
Copyright © 2018 by Brené Brown, LLC | All rights reserved | www.brenebrown.com/daretolead
Establishing a strong foundation is the key to being able to develop long lasting meaningful relationships. Maintaining these relationships though takes work. You must be willing to put in the effort on a consistent basis. Due to hedonic adaptation, variation is also key. Although doing one act of kindness each day will host a plethora of good benefits to your overall well-being, it won't do you any good if you're forced to do so. So let's dive in to how we can deepen and nurture our relationships.
Nurturing your relationships and social connections
Studies show that happy people spend more time with others and have a richer set of social connections. This also means not using other people to set the standards for yourself. As we already know, that will lead us down the rabbit hole of comparison and will actually hinder our ability to make meaningful social connections. Instead, happy people use their own internal standards to judge themselves. They show happiness in others successes and concern in their failures.
The desire to form social bonds is one of the most intrinsic things in human nature, and the happier you are the better these bonds will be. Happiness will lead to an upward spiral of things like (also like our cascade of positive consequences that kindness creates):
- A better network of people around you
- More likely to be married
- More likely to consider your partner your great love
- More likely to receive support
- You will attract more quality people to you
- People with a strong social support have been proven to actually live longer
If we are showing kindness to others and creating a strong foundation (like what was mentioned above) of trust then we can begin to set our sights on nurturing those relationships.
Exercise: Choose at least one thing from the list below to deepen your social connections and see how it positively impacts you in a week's time.
Here are some ways that we can create deeper social connections and nurture our relationships:
- Spending intentional time together
- Share an experience together
- Set a date night
- Have a virtual game night or FaceTime
- Remove distractions when you are with someone (virtually or in person) and truly be present
- Expressing gratitude for specific actions and characteristics
- Write someone a letter expressing your gratitude
- Spend time expressing gratitude for particular behaviors that your partner has done
- Express gratitude for someone's character strengths and point out a specific example of how they are living them out that day
- Express affirmations, affection, and adoration
- Give someone a random compliment
- Give a spontaneous kiss or hug (only to the people you are quarantining with of course!)
- Give genuine praise (in the best relationships you are inspiring one another to be your best selves)
- Take delight in other's windfalls and successes
- Resolve to respond positively to your friend or partner's good news however small
- Pay close attention if someone is excited about something and ask lots of questions (be engaged)
(Again variety is a key when choosing what actions and the frequency of them to get the biggest happiness boost from these actions This is approach is a proven way to combat and reverse the effects of hedonic adaptation/the loss of the "honeymoon phase".)
Deep, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships are the things that give me most joy and can enrich our lives in the most beautiful way. In fact, when everything else is stripped away from us, our social connections are really all that we have. Cherish and deepen them, and you'll be amazed to see what life has in store for you if you do!
References:
"The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky
https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths
https://daretolead.brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/BRAVING.pdf
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