Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
A conversation about overthinking and ruminating.
"Don't sweat the small stuff" is a very common phrase that you'll find on many an inspirational poster, but is there any truth behind it? Now I know my theme for these posts has been to prove these theories wrong, but this time I'm not. If anything has become abundantly clear to me over the past couple of years, it's that our minds are the source of all of our pain and suffering. Sure bad things will undoubtably happen to us, but are they as bad as our minds anticipate them being? When I think back to all of the things that have caused me immense pain or things that I ruminate on for way too long, I can honestly say even looking back a few short months later how silly it was to place such importance on those thoughts. At the end of the day they were merely just that...thoughts and not reality. It was simply a story I was telling myself.
Overthinking
So...you've finally worked up the courage to message someone. You've carefully crafted your response and now all that's left to do is to wait for them to answer you back. Here comes the silence and with it the onslaught of questions like:
Sound familiar at all? I know that my thoughts regularly try and take over. I suffered greatly from anxiety until I found the work of Byron Katie a little over 2 years ago. Her work, or "inquiry", forced me to interrupt the internal dialogue and face my thoughts head on. (I won't go in to this technique in great detail in this post, but I will link her website at the bottom for reference.)
So why is overthinking such a bad thing? One could argue that not being impulsive and really thinking through a situation could be a good thing...well you're not wrong...but you're certainly not right either. Having good judgment is a great character strength, but we are not talking about the run of the mill good decision making thoughts. We're talking about those incessant thoughts that won't let you have a moment of peace because they keep interrupting almost everything you do. Overthinking is also statistically shown to impair your ability to solve problems. Instead of gaining perspective you gain a distorted pessimistic perspective on your life. Now I think it's safe to say that if you were to make a decision in that head space that it may not have the most positive impacts on your life, reason being is that this kind of self talk harbors biased thinking as well. You're stuck in a perpetual loop of only seeing one side to the story, which in turn continues to worsen your sadness and overall well-being. Other side effects of overthinking are:
Want off of this merry go ride yet? Well let's take a look at some ways we can start to change this mindset...
Ending the cycle
Every time we talk about our situations we are opening them up to social comparison, and the more comparisons you make the more likely you are to find unfavorable comparisons. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, social comparisons can really do a number on our overall well-being. The second we start to look at what someone else has and begin to make comparisons we believe we're not enough. We start doubt ourselves and begin to question everything (here's where that overthinking comes in). There are good habits though that we can start to implement to reverse or halt these thought processes. Here are some strategies from Sonja Lyubomirsky:
"Being happier means to stop looking for all of the leaks and cracks in your life." - Sonja Lyubomirsky
Let's all stop looking for the leaks and cracks in our lives and start admiring them as something that gives us character. In other words, don't sweat the small stuff by asking yourself "will this even matter in a year?"...
Byron Katie's inquiry technique: https://thework.com/
"Don't sweat the small stuff" is a very common phrase that you'll find on many an inspirational poster, but is there any truth behind it? Now I know my theme for these posts has been to prove these theories wrong, but this time I'm not. If anything has become abundantly clear to me over the past couple of years, it's that our minds are the source of all of our pain and suffering. Sure bad things will undoubtably happen to us, but are they as bad as our minds anticipate them being? When I think back to all of the things that have caused me immense pain or things that I ruminate on for way too long, I can honestly say even looking back a few short months later how silly it was to place such importance on those thoughts. At the end of the day they were merely just that...thoughts and not reality. It was simply a story I was telling myself.
Overthinking
So...you've finally worked up the courage to message someone. You've carefully crafted your response and now all that's left to do is to wait for them to answer you back. Here comes the silence and with it the onslaught of questions like:
- "What did he/she mean by that?"
- "They'll message me back, right?"
- "What if I upset them by saying that?"
- "If they don't respond right away does that mean they don't like me?"
- "I blew that job interview! I knew they weren't going to like me."
- "Why on earth am I so unhappy?"
Sound familiar at all? I know that my thoughts regularly try and take over. I suffered greatly from anxiety until I found the work of Byron Katie a little over 2 years ago. Her work, or "inquiry", forced me to interrupt the internal dialogue and face my thoughts head on. (I won't go in to this technique in great detail in this post, but I will link her website at the bottom for reference.)
So why is overthinking such a bad thing? One could argue that not being impulsive and really thinking through a situation could be a good thing...well you're not wrong...but you're certainly not right either. Having good judgment is a great character strength, but we are not talking about the run of the mill good decision making thoughts. We're talking about those incessant thoughts that won't let you have a moment of peace because they keep interrupting almost everything you do. Overthinking is also statistically shown to impair your ability to solve problems. Instead of gaining perspective you gain a distorted pessimistic perspective on your life. Now I think it's safe to say that if you were to make a decision in that head space that it may not have the most positive impacts on your life, reason being is that this kind of self talk harbors biased thinking as well. You're stuck in a perpetual loop of only seeing one side to the story, which in turn continues to worsen your sadness and overall well-being. Other side effects of overthinking are:
- Feeling less motivated to act
- Having a reduced ability to concentrate
- Experiencing even more stress and problems
Want off of this merry go ride yet? Well let's take a look at some ways we can start to change this mindset...
Ending the cycle
Every time we talk about our situations we are opening them up to social comparison, and the more comparisons you make the more likely you are to find unfavorable comparisons. As I've mentioned in my previous posts, social comparisons can really do a number on our overall well-being. The second we start to look at what someone else has and begin to make comparisons we believe we're not enough. We start doubt ourselves and begin to question everything (here's where that overthinking comes in). There are good habits though that we can start to implement to reverse or halt these thought processes. Here are some strategies from Sonja Lyubomirsky:
- Distract yourself. Engaging, pleasant activities, such as exercise or hanging out with friends, are best. Once you are feeling more positive, you will be better able to solve problems.
- Stop that train of thought. Think or even tell yourself “Stop!” or “No!” when you start to ruminate.
- Schedule rumination. If you plan a 30-minute rumination session, chances are you may not even feel like ruminating when the time arrives.
- Share. Talking through your concerns can help, but make sure you pick someone who won’t simply ruminate along with you.
- Write it down. Tracking your ruminative thoughts in a journal can help you overcome depression by organizing those thoughts and relieving yourself of their burden.
- Solve a problem. Even taking a small step toward solving one problem that is weighing you down will help with overcoming depression. Data show a strong link between goals you cannot achieve and depression-inducing ruminative thinking, so start problem solving.
- Identify triggers. Figure out which places, times, situations, or people are most likely to cause a bout of rumination, and find ways to avoid those triggers or manage them better. Mornings and evenings are the times when ruminative thinking is most likely.
- Meditate. Mindfulness techniques can help you get some distance from the thoughts that trouble you, while at the same time reducing stress.
- Stop linking small goals to big goals. For example, you may need to challenge a belief that achieving big goals (such as happiness) completely depends on succeeding at smaller goals (such as starting a gratitude journal).
- Get therapy. Seek cognitive therapy techniques to help you question your thoughts and find alternative ways of viewing your situation.
"Being happier means to stop looking for all of the leaks and cracks in your life." - Sonja Lyubomirsky
Let's all stop looking for the leaks and cracks in our lives and start admiring them as something that gives us character. In other words, don't sweat the small stuff by asking yourself "will this even matter in a year?"...
Byron Katie's inquiry technique: https://thework.com/
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