How to Cope
Coping mechanisms for dealing with the stress and trauma of isolation
We are all learning to cope with this pandemic in many different ways. Now that we are headed in to almost two full months of shelter in place it's important to remember that there is no "one size fits all" approach to coping, it's very dependent on our personalities. Because of that it's important now more than ever to have patience and compassion for one another. Try to view a situation through another person's eyes by truly understanding what their strengths, goals, and values are. Yesterday I was browsing the list of my podcast subscriptions and stumbled upon to the "How To" podcast with Charles Duhigg (one of the many podcasts that I have on rotation). What caught my eye was the episode title..."How to Not Go Crazy Under Quarantine"...bet you're seeing why I hit play now. At this point in quarantine I'm taking any and all advice I can get, and this podcast definitely had a lot of great points! So here's what I've gathered from all that I've read, watched, and listened to so far when it comes to coping and I'm hoping this will help you all...
Different stressors
There are a lot of things that add stress in to our lives. When talking about things we can't control, like genetics, that counts for half of our overall wellbeing. Some of us may be predisposed to anxiety or depression. There are things that are not necessarily in our control, but how we cope with them is and happiness is existing anywhere above that genetic set point. There are also external stressors (like this pandemic) that make up for 10% of our overall happiness (again I know you think it should count for more than that, but it just doesn't!). Those external stressors cause our minds to race or ruminate due to things like social comparisons. We're not making enough money, we don't have the house, car, job, friends, or significant other that we want. It seems like all of the cards are stacked against us...
Unless you find ways to cope. Coping is crucial when it comes to building your resilience to adversity. Like I've mentioned in the past I have struggled for a while with anxiety. I am someone that overthinks a lot and constantly wants to apologize for everything (sorry everyone...damnit there I go again). For quite some time I truly believed that I could shoulder all of the blame for all of the misgivings and misfortune in my life. That somehow I was perfectly orchestrating everything and was the cause of any suffering myself or someone else in my life endured. Well we all know that's just impossible...unless I'm some sort of evil mastermind...anyway clearly I'm not (despite what some of you may think!), so instead decided that I would learn ways to cope. I am a very emotional and passionate person and that can lead to impulsivity in the midst of a heated moment when all I want to do is talk through things. This has lead to unproductive conversations that ultimately left me feeling even more lost and wanting to shoulder even more blame than I initially did. Cue to some of my favorite coping mechanisms, writing and journaling. They have become a healthy way for me to sort through my emotions and clearly articulate them. This lead to the discovery of other coping strategies that I know have added to my arsenal and I will pull these out of my tool box when I'm starting to feel stressed. A big indicator when something isn't sitting right with me is I start to feel resentment. That's my red flag on the play when I know something is going against what I value, believe in, or my integrity. That sign is my call to action and when I start to deploy my coping mechanisms, like the good little soldiers they are.
Here are some tried and true coping strategies that are statistically proved to help manage stress:
Problem focused coping - Generate solutions by jumping in to action.
Emotion focused coping - In emotion focused coping we set our sights on improving how we feel by changing our habits or actions. This can be done in a number of ways, like:
Both coping strategies are great and will be beneficial to implement regardless of the one you choose, but studies show men benefit more from emotion based coping and women from problem focused coping. This is because it often means that we are leaning something that we didn't already habitually do, which leads to us being more engaged and willing to try and add it to arsenal. (Did you notice which one I may do more naturally than the other?)
A lot of you are not sheltering place alone like me and a lot of those activities may be difficult to accomplish with your roommates, partner, or children around (or all of the above). It is important however that we understand now only how to get through this ourselves, but also how we can support others as well.
How you can support someone else
A lot of the episode from the "How To" podcast was Celeste Headlee talking about her coping mechanisms and how her and her family are coexisting during this time (without killing one another). So here's how you can support someone else during this time:
We are all learning to cope with this pandemic in many different ways. Now that we are headed in to almost two full months of shelter in place it's important to remember that there is no "one size fits all" approach to coping, it's very dependent on our personalities. Because of that it's important now more than ever to have patience and compassion for one another. Try to view a situation through another person's eyes by truly understanding what their strengths, goals, and values are. Yesterday I was browsing the list of my podcast subscriptions and stumbled upon to the "How To" podcast with Charles Duhigg (one of the many podcasts that I have on rotation). What caught my eye was the episode title..."How to Not Go Crazy Under Quarantine"...bet you're seeing why I hit play now. At this point in quarantine I'm taking any and all advice I can get, and this podcast definitely had a lot of great points! So here's what I've gathered from all that I've read, watched, and listened to so far when it comes to coping and I'm hoping this will help you all...
Different stressors
There are a lot of things that add stress in to our lives. When talking about things we can't control, like genetics, that counts for half of our overall wellbeing. Some of us may be predisposed to anxiety or depression. There are things that are not necessarily in our control, but how we cope with them is and happiness is existing anywhere above that genetic set point. There are also external stressors (like this pandemic) that make up for 10% of our overall happiness (again I know you think it should count for more than that, but it just doesn't!). Those external stressors cause our minds to race or ruminate due to things like social comparisons. We're not making enough money, we don't have the house, car, job, friends, or significant other that we want. It seems like all of the cards are stacked against us...
Unless you find ways to cope. Coping is crucial when it comes to building your resilience to adversity. Like I've mentioned in the past I have struggled for a while with anxiety. I am someone that overthinks a lot and constantly wants to apologize for everything (sorry everyone...damnit there I go again). For quite some time I truly believed that I could shoulder all of the blame for all of the misgivings and misfortune in my life. That somehow I was perfectly orchestrating everything and was the cause of any suffering myself or someone else in my life endured. Well we all know that's just impossible...unless I'm some sort of evil mastermind...anyway clearly I'm not (despite what some of you may think!), so instead decided that I would learn ways to cope. I am a very emotional and passionate person and that can lead to impulsivity in the midst of a heated moment when all I want to do is talk through things. This has lead to unproductive conversations that ultimately left me feeling even more lost and wanting to shoulder even more blame than I initially did. Cue to some of my favorite coping mechanisms, writing and journaling. They have become a healthy way for me to sort through my emotions and clearly articulate them. This lead to the discovery of other coping strategies that I know have added to my arsenal and I will pull these out of my tool box when I'm starting to feel stressed. A big indicator when something isn't sitting right with me is I start to feel resentment. That's my red flag on the play when I know something is going against what I value, believe in, or my integrity. That sign is my call to action and when I start to deploy my coping mechanisms, like the good little soldiers they are.
Here are some tried and true coping strategies that are statistically proved to help manage stress:
Problem focused coping - Generate solutions by jumping in to action.
- Concentrate your efforts on doing something about it.
- Focus on one step a time.
- Make a plan of action.
- Put aside your other activities.
- Ask someone for advice on how to achieve it.
This strategy works for those that are clear and present in the face of adversity, stress, or trauma. Often times though, our problems seem too overwhelming and consuming for us to be able to quickly jump in to action. I think it's safe to say that with all of the uncertainty right now that this is how a lot of us feel. Which leads to the next coping strategy, emotion focused coping.
Emotion focused coping - In emotion focused coping we set our sights on improving how we feel by changing our habits or actions. This can be done in a number of ways, like:
- Sleep habits- One of the reasons we're so unhappy is that we are constantly sleep deprived. Good sleep habits can effect your mood more than you expect. Practice good sleep habits by not using your technology, having caffeine, or alcohol on nights when you are trying to get a good night's sleep. Download a sleep tracking app to track your progress.
- Exercise- Just 30 minutes a day of exercise can boost your mood in addition to making your body healthier. Every day during quarantine I have made sure that I give my body what it needs by focusing on a workout (where I turn everything else off) for at least 45 minutes and allow time for at least one half an hour walk with Theo. On the weekends this will vary and I tend to try and spend more time outside. Remember this isn't to try and get in to marathon shape. Exercising regularly though is also extremely beneficial for strenghthening your immune system.
- Invest in Experiences - Pick up a hobby during quarantine and share it with a friend. Plan a virtual wine tasting party with your friends. Who says we have to stop sharing experiences just because we're cooped up inside. (I sited some other options in my last post.)
- Gratitude - Here's the one that I keep coming back to. It has been in every single book, podcast, YouTube video, and news article that I have read about well-being. Cherishing what you have and telling those that are most important to you that they are incredible is something that no other action can provide you. It will be the calm in the storm and break up any sort of hedonic adaption that is occurring.
A lot of you are not sheltering place alone like me and a lot of those activities may be difficult to accomplish with your roommates, partner, or children around (or all of the above). It is important however that we understand now only how to get through this ourselves, but also how we can support others as well.
How you can support someone else
A lot of the episode from the "How To" podcast was Celeste Headlee talking about her coping mechanisms and how her and her family are coexisting during this time (without killing one another). So here's how you can support someone else during this time:
- Set the ground rules - Space and boundaries are crucial. Set designated times and places for work. If you have a room in your house where you can go to for alone time this is crucial or make sure you have that conversation with your housemates/partner on how you will communicate when you need space.
- Make time again. - Set intentional time to be with your partner/housemates, but also set intentional times to FaceTime with your friends...and then set something up for next time on that same call. It's important that you make this a regular occurrence.
- Communicate. - Handle things directly. The happiest partnerships stem from the best friendships. Grow and take responsibility together. Ask questions, be engaged, and present when having conversations. Don't be doing anything else when you are communicating with those close to you. This will also break up your day of scrolling through your social media feeds tremendously!
- Give adoration and admiration. - Show gratitude towards the people in your life and verbally tell them why you are grateful for them!
- Be supportive and loyal. Affirm their successes. - Support your partner or friend's life interests even if you don't share them. Get excited about any wins that your partner has whether it's big or small.
Believe it or not, studies show that we benefit greatly from the trauma we go through. I sincerely look at this time as an opportunity for growth, and that does not mean that I have to keep myself relentlessly busy or achieve something great. It's a time for gratitude, kindness, compassion, and love and that I will take with me forever. Often times, trauma can actually make us restructure our priorities and make us realize what's really important in life. I think that this may just be that moment for all of us.
References:
Episode "How to Not Go Crazy Under Quarantine": "How To" podcast with Charles Duhigg:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/
"The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky
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