Personality Types and Disorders
Empathy and Vulnerability: A Narcissist's Worst Nightmare
With all of the personality quizzes that there are to identify your personality type and all of the different personality disorders there are, it can be hard to decipher what tools will be productive to use that will aid in our self improvement. Often times people throw around terms too casually as I mentioned in my last blog post, like "gaslighting," "stonewalling," "narcissist," "ghosting," and "bipolar," just to name a few. All of these things are incredibly misunderstood, because they aren't exactly black and white. While you may possess a lot of the qualities in a certain personality type or feel like you experienced a textbook case of gaslighting for example, it doesn't always mean that that's the case because everything exists on a spectrum.
Over the past couple of years I have decided to work towards understanding my actions, behaviors, patterns, and personality type so that I can be a more secure partner and individual. Understanding what makes you tick and having a clear vision of what your values are is an important step towards living a meaningful and fulfilling life. The hard part is knowing where to start.
As I mentioned earlier, there are some great personality quizzes out there that will assist in providing you with a starting point in trying to understand yourself better. The two that I rely heavily on to guide my own self work are the Ennegram quiz and the Attachment Style quiz. The Enneagram provides clarity on what your main fear is and how you have developed specific coping mechanisms to deal with that fear or avoid it, while the Attachment Style quiz focuses on how you attach to others in relationships based on the experience you had with your primary caregiver and indicates how sensitive your attachment system and nervous system are.
After taking one of these quizzes you'll be labeled with a personality "type". This can get people hung up on the fact that they have a hard time believing that there can only be 9 types of humans out there in the world in the case of the Enneagram, or their ego becomes bruised because they learn they have an anxious attachment style and weren't as secure as they thought. The good news is that all of these personality types are fluid. If you are a Type 2 on the Enneagram for example, your defining characteristics and patterns will also pull from the other two types closest to you on the Enneagram. What is characterizing you as that type is what your main fear is, but when you learn about your patterns and behaviors you begin to have the chance to make different choices. The same thing goes for your Attachment Style. If you know you have an anxious attachment for example, then you will be able to identify the people who will trigger you in relationships and who may not be a good fit for you moving forward, as well as how you can become a more secure partner yourself through self-soothing and co-regulating techniques.
The Enneagram and Attachment Styles are both alike because they derive from how we cope with the difficulties and challenges we faced in childhood and will ultimately show up later in adulthood. Once you have identified your dominant type in the Enneagram as well as a specific Attachment Style you will be able to learn from your past to grow into a more secure version of yourself through both of these theories that provide a structured framework and guidance. Certain behaviors and childhood traumas that are left untreated however, lead to some serious personality disorders that are hard to cope with both for the person experiencing them and those around them.
That is what led to me to explore more about narcissism, as I have seen these characteristics becoming more and more prevalent in society and I wanted to understand why. When it comes to deciphering whether the behaviors that you or someone else are exhibiting are just selfishness or are narcissistic tendencies, there are 5 main traits that a narcissist possesses to look out for. Melanie Tonia Evans describes these characteristics in her book, "You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse", and they are:
- Emotional Insecurity - A narcissist will get upset about things that most adults are able to brush off and often feel like they can't trust others.
- An Extreme Sense of Entitlement - Everything is about the narcissist in their world, and if you're in a relationship with them you will most likely be acquiescing to their every need. A narcissist will also push people's boundaries to get what they want at any cost and will do so under the false pretense of flattery and charm.
- How They Fight - If you are arguing with a narcissist you will find that you have the same arguments over and over again. As soon as you think the issue has been resolved and there is some progress, you're right back at square one. A narcissist will also turn the argument back on you making it seem like the conflict was all your doing. Which will leave you feeling anxious and lost in the wake of a fight with them.
- Pathological Lying - Everything a narcissist does is to cover up their fragile inner identity which is why lying becomes a defining part of them. Narcissists end up believing their own lies and do an excellent job convincing others that they're credible, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Often times a narcissist will struggle with monogamy and marriage because they believe it threatens to reduce them to normality and they never want to feel anything less than unique and special so they will stop at nothing to protect that.
- Lack of Accountability - Nothing is ever the narcissists fault and they will blame you for any challenge that you face in your relationship with them. The main defining factor of a narcissist is that they lack empathy which means that they will never be able to see things from your perspective, adhere to a boundary you set, or fulfill a need you communicate, because they truly believe that they aren't the problem, you are.
At its core, narcissism is a coping mechanism for deep seated insecurities which creates a lack of empathy in those that are diagnosed with the disorder. I personally suffer from anxiety, but it is hard for me to comprehend that someone doesn't possess empathy when they do have such strong insecurities. I would have assumed that would mean that they would have more empathy than anyone else because they know what it feels like to be anxious and unsure of themselves. But this insecurity ultimately becomes the driving force for a narcissist's behavior coupled with an immensely strong inner citric that tells them constantly that they are worthless. Since that self loathing is so strong they do whatever it takes to avoid it and will take on a new identity to mask this person inside that they despise so much and will learn to shut down their emotions to avoid any sort of vulnerability that they think will put a chink in their armor.
I believe that social media has become the leading reason for selfishness in the modern age. We are now a society that thrives off of getting likes on their Instagram to get a dopamine spike. This attention and validation seeking not only strokes the ego of someone with narcissistic tendencies, but it also reinforces the need to keep up their false identity. Social media also makes it way too easy to see what others have that you don't and creates a feeling of inadequacy through social comparison that creates destructive behavior that is difficult to shake. Which in the eyes of someone with a strong inner critic like a narcissist, this constant reminder that someone has what they don't can be too much to handle and they will lash out at those around them.
After a narcissist has worked so hard to protect this false image of themselves, it can be absolutely terrifying to think about dismantling it because they truly hate the person that they believe they will be left with. Like all disorders and personality types though they do exist on a spectrum, as I said earlier, which means that there is a way towards becoming a healthy and secure version of yourself, even if you are actually diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which is less than 6% of people).
If some or all of the characteristics that I mentioned to describe a narcissist above sound familiar to you, then it is crucial that you start by taking feedback from others. If you have narcissistic tendencies you may notice that as soon as someone expresses a need to you or provides you with feedback that you immediately become defensive or deflect the accountability. When you find yourself in these moments create mindfulness around the experience. Any time you want to defend yourself, take a moment to pause and ask the other person more questions. Try to understand their perspective and see how you could try and meet their needs and really listen to them instead of taking the turn to speak up and defend yourself. You will also need to start apologizing and owning up to your mistakes. Providing people with an authentic and genuine apology is a great step towards creating more emotional empathy. And lastly, seek out a therapist so that you can create consistency in your growth and development.
I know that all of that is easier said than done, but the real version of you is worth getting to know and letting that person out is what will ultimately remove that feeling of emptiness that you are so longing to get rid of.
Resources:
"You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse", by Melanie Tonia Evans
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/narcissism#the-traits-of-narcissism
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/can-you-have-a-healthy-relationship-with-a-narcissist/
https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-identity-issues-425488
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