Misconceptions on happiness - Part 2
Misconceptions on happiness - Part 2
I can't help it, I was born this way! - How much is in our control when it comes to creating our own happiness?
All of the silly commercials and songs immediately pop in to my head when I hear the phrase "I can't help it, I was born this way!" .... cue Lady Gaga's anthem playing in the background...segue shortly there after to the ever so memorable "Maybe she's born with it...maybe it's Maybelline" tagline. Life has taught us that there are only a certain amount of things that are in our control. You were born looking, speaking, and acting a certain way. There are also life circumstances that were not your choice, from a horrible car crash, to the loss of a loved one. These are undoubtably things people would much rather be able to have control over.
What if I told you that you may not be able to control the events, but you can control how you feel about them. In her book 'The How of Happiness", Sonja Lybomirsky discovered that happiness is broken down in to three categories, the genetic set point (what we were born with...also known as living life as seeing the glass half full or empty), actions/thoughts (things under our control), and life circumstances (i.e. the examples listed above such as a horrific event in our life). So how do these three things factor in percentage wise to our overall well-being, you may ask? Based on Sonja's studies, the genetic set point makes up 50% (that's 50% completely out of our control...not a small amount by any means), life circumstances makes up only 10% (shocking I know...I'll get to why soon), and here's the kicker...our actions/thoughts make up 40% of our over all well-being/happiness. I don't know about you but seeing how much actually is in my control is pretty empowering, especially since I'm someone that believes that with a combination of the right mind-set and hard work you can change pretty much any circumstance. Alright...so now what? If 40% of it is in our control how do we even go about putting that in to action?
Let me introduce you to a little war that you're waging within yourself, and that's all taking place in your mind...
Here are a couple of ways that our mind just simply gets in the way of our happiness:
#1 - Our mind's strongest intuitions are usually wrong.
Which means that when we fear something terrible happening like the loss of a job or a relationship (albeit they suck), they actually don't suck as much as we anticipate them being. We're just straight up bad at guessing the intensity or duration of the impact of something. Don't believe me? When was the last time you said "I'll never get over it!", and then five months later there you are acting like it never happened (or even better you're able to laugh about it). Now I may be crazy, but that seems like a pretty big jump from never being able to get over something to being over it in just a few short months. Remember when I said earlier that life circumstances only impact 10% of our overall happiness? Now, I bet you can understand why a little better.
#2 - Our mind's are extremely sensitive to context and rarely think in absolutes.
I've always seen myself as a very positive and happy individual, but I have also endured quite a bit of hardship and have often times wanted to simply blame things on the cards I was dealt. As stated in my first blog entry, I started reading the work of Byron Katie about 2 years ago. This work proved to me how much pain and agony my thoughts were bringing me. "That story I'm telling myself" (one of my absolute favorite phrases from Brene Brown) about how I'm not skinny or pretty enough because I saw a post from an influencer that had 5,000,000 likes (I swear I'm never ever dramatic) and my post that I carefully crafted for hours (again I never exaggerate) got a measly 80, eats away at me for way longer than it actually should. I'm starting with a superficial example, but let's get to the truth of this thought and see if we can think in absolutes to free us from these unhappy feelings.
(The following is an abbreviated example of a technique from Byron Katie called inquiry or "the work")
Thought: I'm not pretty or skinny enough.
Question: Can I say that with absolute certainty that I'm not skinny or pretty enough?
Answer: No...well I guess I can't, because I can't discern who the authority is on skinniness or prettiness to determine what the answer is. It's just how I'm perceiving it to be.
Question: How does the thought of not being pretty or skinny enough make you feel?
Answer: I feel horrible. I feel like I'm never going to be enough or get the kind of accolades and attention that I see so many others getting on social media.
Question: Who would I be without that thought?
Answer: Free to be who I actually am and embrace where I'm at, instead of striving for something that is unattainable. (That sounds way nicer than my initial thought)
(You can also visit https://thework.com for more info on Byron Katie's inquiry technique.)
I don't know about you, but I can quickly see where my mind takes me to places of unnecessary pain. Like I said, I used a very superficial example but you can use this technique to tackle any thought that is causing you pain or stress. I also wanted to use this example to segue in to social comparison and our final way our minds are getting in the way of our happiness.
#3 - A lot of our pain and suffering comes from social comparison.
Social comparison is essentially social media. I'm going to really try and drill this point home...social media does a lot of harm to our well-being. In my previous post I likened it to an insidious rabbit hole, because it causes us to think that we need more things, money, love/acceptance, physical beauty, and a better job. And why is that? It's because all anyone posts about are the high points in their lives. You rarely...and I mean rarely...see someone post a picture on a Sunday morning without any makeup on, the moment they get broken up with, or when they lost their job. Instead our feeds are flooded with filters, Facetuned pictures (yes I'm a culprit too don't even try and call me out!), and highlights from your best friends recent vacation (well not so recent right now...ugh too soon) to Europe.
It's hardwiring your brain to assume that you and what you're doing and achieving is not enough. Even if you were to give me an example of someone who you think seemingly "has it all", I bet you anything they would never say that about themselves.
So what are we really chasing? I for one would like to choose a wealth of happiness and well-being than materialistic wealth any day. You know why? Because take all of those items and labels away from those people and what do they have? If you take all of those material items away from someone who has mental peace they still have that to hold on to, and that will forever bring joy in to their lives.
Action: I say choose not to participate. Choose rather to practice gratitude or experience something of great meaning. Have you ever had time pass so quickly because you were so fully engaged? Or what about a time that you felt like you contributed to the greater good?
This is what a life of meaning is truly about. We can all start by simply questioning the things we are placing so much importance on. Dig a little deeper and you may find that they're actually the root of your unhappiness and not your happiness after all...
(WOOF that was a long winded way of saying...yes you were born this way but it only counts for half of your overall well-being. So, what are you going to do about the other 40% that is in your control?)
I can't help it, I was born this way! - How much is in our control when it comes to creating our own happiness?
All of the silly commercials and songs immediately pop in to my head when I hear the phrase "I can't help it, I was born this way!" .... cue Lady Gaga's anthem playing in the background...segue shortly there after to the ever so memorable "Maybe she's born with it...maybe it's Maybelline" tagline. Life has taught us that there are only a certain amount of things that are in our control. You were born looking, speaking, and acting a certain way. There are also life circumstances that were not your choice, from a horrible car crash, to the loss of a loved one. These are undoubtably things people would much rather be able to have control over.
What if I told you that you may not be able to control the events, but you can control how you feel about them. In her book 'The How of Happiness", Sonja Lybomirsky discovered that happiness is broken down in to three categories, the genetic set point (what we were born with...also known as living life as seeing the glass half full or empty), actions/thoughts (things under our control), and life circumstances (i.e. the examples listed above such as a horrific event in our life). So how do these three things factor in percentage wise to our overall well-being, you may ask? Based on Sonja's studies, the genetic set point makes up 50% (that's 50% completely out of our control...not a small amount by any means), life circumstances makes up only 10% (shocking I know...I'll get to why soon), and here's the kicker...our actions/thoughts make up 40% of our over all well-being/happiness. I don't know about you but seeing how much actually is in my control is pretty empowering, especially since I'm someone that believes that with a combination of the right mind-set and hard work you can change pretty much any circumstance. Alright...so now what? If 40% of it is in our control how do we even go about putting that in to action?
Let me introduce you to a little war that you're waging within yourself, and that's all taking place in your mind...
Here are a couple of ways that our mind just simply gets in the way of our happiness:
#1 - Our mind's strongest intuitions are usually wrong.
Which means that when we fear something terrible happening like the loss of a job or a relationship (albeit they suck), they actually don't suck as much as we anticipate them being. We're just straight up bad at guessing the intensity or duration of the impact of something. Don't believe me? When was the last time you said "I'll never get over it!", and then five months later there you are acting like it never happened (or even better you're able to laugh about it). Now I may be crazy, but that seems like a pretty big jump from never being able to get over something to being over it in just a few short months. Remember when I said earlier that life circumstances only impact 10% of our overall happiness? Now, I bet you can understand why a little better.
#2 - Our mind's are extremely sensitive to context and rarely think in absolutes.
I've always seen myself as a very positive and happy individual, but I have also endured quite a bit of hardship and have often times wanted to simply blame things on the cards I was dealt. As stated in my first blog entry, I started reading the work of Byron Katie about 2 years ago. This work proved to me how much pain and agony my thoughts were bringing me. "That story I'm telling myself" (one of my absolute favorite phrases from Brene Brown) about how I'm not skinny or pretty enough because I saw a post from an influencer that had 5,000,000 likes (I swear I'm never ever dramatic) and my post that I carefully crafted for hours (again I never exaggerate) got a measly 80, eats away at me for way longer than it actually should. I'm starting with a superficial example, but let's get to the truth of this thought and see if we can think in absolutes to free us from these unhappy feelings.
(The following is an abbreviated example of a technique from Byron Katie called inquiry or "the work")
Thought: I'm not pretty or skinny enough.
Question: Can I say that with absolute certainty that I'm not skinny or pretty enough?
Answer: No...well I guess I can't, because I can't discern who the authority is on skinniness or prettiness to determine what the answer is. It's just how I'm perceiving it to be.
Question: How does the thought of not being pretty or skinny enough make you feel?
Answer: I feel horrible. I feel like I'm never going to be enough or get the kind of accolades and attention that I see so many others getting on social media.
Question: Who would I be without that thought?
Answer: Free to be who I actually am and embrace where I'm at, instead of striving for something that is unattainable. (That sounds way nicer than my initial thought)
(You can also visit https://thework.com for more info on Byron Katie's inquiry technique.)
I don't know about you, but I can quickly see where my mind takes me to places of unnecessary pain. Like I said, I used a very superficial example but you can use this technique to tackle any thought that is causing you pain or stress. I also wanted to use this example to segue in to social comparison and our final way our minds are getting in the way of our happiness.
#3 - A lot of our pain and suffering comes from social comparison.
Social comparison is essentially social media. I'm going to really try and drill this point home...social media does a lot of harm to our well-being. In my previous post I likened it to an insidious rabbit hole, because it causes us to think that we need more things, money, love/acceptance, physical beauty, and a better job. And why is that? It's because all anyone posts about are the high points in their lives. You rarely...and I mean rarely...see someone post a picture on a Sunday morning without any makeup on, the moment they get broken up with, or when they lost their job. Instead our feeds are flooded with filters, Facetuned pictures (yes I'm a culprit too don't even try and call me out!), and highlights from your best friends recent vacation (well not so recent right now...ugh too soon) to Europe.
It's hardwiring your brain to assume that you and what you're doing and achieving is not enough. Even if you were to give me an example of someone who you think seemingly "has it all", I bet you anything they would never say that about themselves.
So what are we really chasing? I for one would like to choose a wealth of happiness and well-being than materialistic wealth any day. You know why? Because take all of those items and labels away from those people and what do they have? If you take all of those material items away from someone who has mental peace they still have that to hold on to, and that will forever bring joy in to their lives.
Action: I say choose not to participate. Choose rather to practice gratitude or experience something of great meaning. Have you ever had time pass so quickly because you were so fully engaged? Or what about a time that you felt like you contributed to the greater good?
This is what a life of meaning is truly about. We can all start by simply questioning the things we are placing so much importance on. Dig a little deeper and you may find that they're actually the root of your unhappiness and not your happiness after all...
(WOOF that was a long winded way of saying...yes you were born this way but it only counts for half of your overall well-being. So, what are you going to do about the other 40% that is in your control?)
There is something especially motivating when one reads information they too have been learning about, but through someone else's words. And when it's someone you have such respect for, it makes the concepts even more pronounced and important to ensure I embrace. You have no idea the gift you have given me Christina. Keep writing!
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