Talk Isn't Cheap: Why what we say and how we say it matters

As a ballet dancer I was often taught not to speak up or share my opinion. It was important to show the ultimate amount of respect for the teacher, director, or choreographer in the room. I feared that sharing how I actually felt would cause me to not be cast in a role or would cause someone to perceive me as difficult. This pattern ultimately stuck with me throughout my ballet career and permeated into my personal and professional life afterwards. But what I have recently learned is that to receive the kind of respect or outcomes that we expect, what we say and how we say it matters. 

I recently read the book Outliers by Malcom Gladwell, and what is known as "mitigated speech", is referenced as the cause of a number of plane crashes for Korean Air. When one hears that an airline had a string of crashes, the immediate assumption is that there were mechanical issues. In reality, the cause of the trouble for Korean Air was actually due to the communication (or lack there of) between the co-pilot and pilot. Prior to reading this exerpt from Outliers, I always thought that the pilot was the most important role in the cockpit. That all responsibility for the safety of the flight relied on how effectively they were able to command their crew and in their flying skills. In actuality the pilot and co-pilot must act as equals, creating a system of checks and balances for the pilot and an ability for the co-pilot to communicate effectively to the control tower. 

In Korean culture it is important to show deference to a superior or an elder. If a pilot, for example, feels as though they have been disrespected by their co-pilot, the co-pilot could face grave ramifications professionaly and even physcially for their actions. As a result many co-pilots learned how to use "mitigated speech" in order to not step on the toes of their superior. This softened language is far from direct and does not enable one's opinon to be effectively communicated. 

In the case of the crash referenced in Outliers, they were flying into difficult and unpredictiable weather on a route that the pilot had flown many times before. They were also flying into trecherous terrain with steep mountains and needed to rely on the radar to give them the exact coordinates. Instead of saying that the weather wasn't looking good and they better take a different approach on the landing, the pilot used softened speech to reference how the weather radar had been reliable for them during the trip so far. Because the co-pilot couldn't question the pilots approach or communicate the information directly, the plan crashed into the side of the mountain after the pilot disregarded using the tools that co-pilot knew would allow them to land safely. 

There are 6 types of mitigated speech:

1. Command – "Strategy X is going to be implemented"
2. Team Obligation Statement – "We need to try strategy X"
3. Team Suggestion – "Why don't we try strategy X?"
4. Query – "Do you think strategy X would help us in this situation?"
5. Preference – "Perhaps we should take a look at one of these Y alternatives"
6. Hint – "I wonder if we could run into any roadblocks on our current course"

In the case of the co-pilot he used the least direct form of communication, a hint, to try and warn the pilot to use the radar so that they could effectively locate the runway and make a safe landing. This was an incident where not speaking directly resulted in the loss of many lives that day.

Gathering further information through inquiry is an important way to understand how we need to articulate our expectations, and allows us to not jump to conclusions. However, we can't stop there and assume that people will be able to understand what we need or want just based upon our past actions or by what we've asked, we still need to clearly state what we need. Thankfully most of us are not put in life or death situations each day during our jobs, but it is still incredibly important to state our expectations in the form of a command, because this is the healthiest way to get our needs met. In the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, the author Nedra references how crucial it is to not apologize or over explain why you are setting a boundary, because it leaves the other person to either not take you seriously or have the ability to dispute the validity of your ask. 

In the past I feared that if I didn't pose things in the form of a preference or a hint, that someone wouldn't like me or would perceive me as needy. This lead to a lot of resentment and frustration on my end for people ultimately not being able to read my mind. I'm sure we can all think of a time that we avoided stating our expectations because we were afraid of how someone would react. All that ends up doing is creating an uneven and unhealthy relationship. By practicing setting our expectations clearly and holding ourselves and others accountable to them, we actually have a fighting chance of getting our needs met, or in the case of Koren Air, saving lives. 

Speech matters not just in our relationships with others, but it also matters in our relationship with ourselves and our ability to achieve our goals. In Atomic Habits, James Clear references how it is important to have "identity based goals" vs. "outcome based goals". Prior to setting a goal, it is important to understand the difference between the things that will make us happier and more fulfilled in the long run versus the things that will satisfy us in the moment but will be a detriment to us in the end.

Start by asking yourself what kind of person you would like to be or what you would like to be known for. Working towards being authentic, for example, will lead you to live a life of setting healthy boundaires, fulfilling work, engaging and lasting relationships, and enjoyment in your activities. While a goal to have more things will only satisfy you for a short amount of time, because you will ultimately tire of these hedonic pleasures and still feel unsatisfied even after you've acquired them. Then once you've set your goal, practice using sentences like "I am someone who has healthy boundaries.", as opposed to "I'm really trying to have more healthy boundaries." When you use the latter speech it gives you the opportunity not to follow through with what you say. If you are your goal as opposed to having a goal you will be more likely to achieve it. 

So the next time you're not getting your needs met or aren't making the kind of progress you want to see, ask yourself how you're talking to yourself and others. It could be the thing that makes all the difference. 

Resources:

"Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell

The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/07/malcolm-gladwells-cockpit-culture-theory-everywhere-after-asiana-crash/313442/

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitigated_speech

"Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab

"Atomic Habits" by James Clear