Chasing Your Dreams (Pt. 2)
How to focus on the right goals, create a plan, and stick to it.
Having the passion and impetus to go after my goals and aspirations was never something I had to work towards. We are all born with a reference point for our happiness and things that come naturally to the happiest of people include optimism and perseverance. Often times this coincides with the healthy habits that happy people don't have to put much effort in to implementing. This doesn't mean however (as I've learned and shared on this blog) that if you are born with a lower genetic set point for happiness that you can't do anything to change how happy you are or how effective you will be at achieving your goals, it will however require more effort to find the right combination of effort, commitment, and variety to allow you to be successful though.
Goal setting is an important piece of the puzzle when we are talking about your over all well-being, and it doesn't have to be a life changing goal to have positive effects on your life. Goals give us a sense of purpose, meaning, and something to look forward to. People who strive for something that is personally meaningful to them are significantly happier individuals than those that don't have strong initiatives or dreams that they are pursuing. A quote that has always resonated with me is "Find a happy person and you'll find a project.". Me at my happiest is when I feel like I have something that I am striving for no matter how big or small of a goal it is. This doesn't mean however that you should strive for an overly packed and busy life. One of the new goals I've acquired during this pandemic is increasing my time affluence. I've noticed that my priorities have shifted significantly from monetary and career based, to goals based in my well-being, happiness, and health instead. If I asked you today what is one wish you had for the day, month, or year what would you say? Chances are many of you would still answer with a materially focused goal. Which isn't always a bad thing if it can buy you more time and provide you with necessary comforts, but goals like this usually will actually prevent you from long term happiness. So how can we discover the goals that are both the right fit for us and that will provide us with the most long term happiness at the same time?...
Chasing the Right Things
I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to discover two professions that I'm incredibly passionate about. In terms of my dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer, I was able to easily formulate a plan of action because I was so laser focused on my ultimate goal that the sub goals were easy to see and therefor made them meaningful to work towards. Whether it was getting in to a better ballet school where I could hone my craft, or improving one specific area in my dancing, all of those sub goals constantly contributed to the greater goal of becoming a professional dancer. Frequently though (especially in the ballet world) dancers can fall prey to the goal they're chasing not being their own, instead trying to live out the dream of a parent's. They are the ones that paid for all of the private lessons, and orchestrated and planned every move they made in order to insure that they would become a professional. Maybe it was their parent's dream as a child that never came to fruition and now they are imparting that dream on to their offspring in order to give them the life they couldn't have. One thing that I knew for certain though was that I was intrinsically motivated to pursue a professional ballet career.
Neither of my parents had a dance background, but both had a background in the arts. My parents both created art for a hobby and a living, my mom translated her skills to a career in fashion, and my dad filled our house with paintings, sculptures, and music constantly throughout my childhood. Thankfully my grandpa (who was an actor) had the idea to put me in "mommy and me" ballet classes at the age of 2 (because I was such a ridiculous ham!) and the rest was history! I immediately fell in love with dance and it was all on my own. I tried many other sports and hobbies growing up, but ballet always won out. The difference I found between myself and some of the other dancers in my school was that I was intrinsically motivated while they were extrinsically motivated. Extrinsic goals by definition are those that other people approve and want for you such as, making money; seeking fame; bowing to peer pressure; and working hard for a reward or to avoid punishment. Intrinsic goals will win out over extrinsic goals every time because they are more inspiring. They will also develop a strong sense of autonomy and the need for interpersonal connections.
So how can one determine if a goal is coming purely from their own volition? That will take us to our next kind of goal called "authentic goals". Sonja Lubyomirsky defines these types of goals in her book "The How of Happiness", as ones that are deeply imbedded in our interests, core values, and desires. This again brings us back to the importance of really knowing your authentic self. What are your core strengths, likes, dislikes, and core values? If you can identify those you will have a much easier and more straight forward path to discovering what goals will be authentic to you and will enable you to reap the most benefits from. A question that you can ask yourself when trying to identify whether or not a goal is authentic is, "Am I more or less of the person I want to be while I'm pursuing this goal?". Sometimes that can be the hardest question of all and can require some real emotional intelligence. For me that is where knowing and understanding my tendencies comes in to play (and identifying my enneagram type helped a little too). I know that asking myself what I truly want is a hard question at times and honestly makes me feel uncomfortable. I would much rather ask others for what they need instead of addressing my own wants first, but I realized that I can't help anyone else unless I help myself first. I need to prioritize myself more (one of my other goals...).
Where we can most frequently go wrong though, is by choosing goals that are avoidant in nature, such as "I don't want to be fat", as opposed to "I want to be physically healthier". These avoidant goals have negative connotations and ultimately make you unhappier in the pursuit of them. Instead we should be choosing goals that fit in to our lives and can be adaptable at the different stages of it. Our goals that we had when we were 20 will look much different than our goals will look like when we're 70. It's also important to remember that changing your circumstances (i.e. where you live, what car you drive, and how much money you make) will only make you happier for so long and are nice goals to have but won't ultimately make the greatest positive impact on your life in the long term.
Another great way to identify goals that are worth pursuing is to ask yourself "What kind of legacy you would like to leave behind after you die?". Think about your values, accomplishments, and the high points of your life. If you have descendants what would you want them to be like and value? If you do this exercise on a regular basis it will remind you of what truly matters in life.
Activity: Now that you have an idea how to identify what goals you should and should not be pursuing, write down 8 goals. Remember when classifying whether or not it's a good goal or not keep in mind that value and meaning are key!
Having the passion and impetus to go after my goals and aspirations was never something I had to work towards. We are all born with a reference point for our happiness and things that come naturally to the happiest of people include optimism and perseverance. Often times this coincides with the healthy habits that happy people don't have to put much effort in to implementing. This doesn't mean however (as I've learned and shared on this blog) that if you are born with a lower genetic set point for happiness that you can't do anything to change how happy you are or how effective you will be at achieving your goals, it will however require more effort to find the right combination of effort, commitment, and variety to allow you to be successful though.
Goal setting is an important piece of the puzzle when we are talking about your over all well-being, and it doesn't have to be a life changing goal to have positive effects on your life. Goals give us a sense of purpose, meaning, and something to look forward to. People who strive for something that is personally meaningful to them are significantly happier individuals than those that don't have strong initiatives or dreams that they are pursuing. A quote that has always resonated with me is "Find a happy person and you'll find a project.". Me at my happiest is when I feel like I have something that I am striving for no matter how big or small of a goal it is. This doesn't mean however that you should strive for an overly packed and busy life. One of the new goals I've acquired during this pandemic is increasing my time affluence. I've noticed that my priorities have shifted significantly from monetary and career based, to goals based in my well-being, happiness, and health instead. If I asked you today what is one wish you had for the day, month, or year what would you say? Chances are many of you would still answer with a materially focused goal. Which isn't always a bad thing if it can buy you more time and provide you with necessary comforts, but goals like this usually will actually prevent you from long term happiness. So how can we discover the goals that are both the right fit for us and that will provide us with the most long term happiness at the same time?...Chasing the Right Things
I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to discover two professions that I'm incredibly passionate about. In terms of my dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer, I was able to easily formulate a plan of action because I was so laser focused on my ultimate goal that the sub goals were easy to see and therefor made them meaningful to work towards. Whether it was getting in to a better ballet school where I could hone my craft, or improving one specific area in my dancing, all of those sub goals constantly contributed to the greater goal of becoming a professional dancer. Frequently though (especially in the ballet world) dancers can fall prey to the goal they're chasing not being their own, instead trying to live out the dream of a parent's. They are the ones that paid for all of the private lessons, and orchestrated and planned every move they made in order to insure that they would become a professional. Maybe it was their parent's dream as a child that never came to fruition and now they are imparting that dream on to their offspring in order to give them the life they couldn't have. One thing that I knew for certain though was that I was intrinsically motivated to pursue a professional ballet career.
Neither of my parents had a dance background, but both had a background in the arts. My parents both created art for a hobby and a living, my mom translated her skills to a career in fashion, and my dad filled our house with paintings, sculptures, and music constantly throughout my childhood. Thankfully my grandpa (who was an actor) had the idea to put me in "mommy and me" ballet classes at the age of 2 (because I was such a ridiculous ham!) and the rest was history! I immediately fell in love with dance and it was all on my own. I tried many other sports and hobbies growing up, but ballet always won out. The difference I found between myself and some of the other dancers in my school was that I was intrinsically motivated while they were extrinsically motivated. Extrinsic goals by definition are those that other people approve and want for you such as, making money; seeking fame; bowing to peer pressure; and working hard for a reward or to avoid punishment. Intrinsic goals will win out over extrinsic goals every time because they are more inspiring. They will also develop a strong sense of autonomy and the need for interpersonal connections.
So how can one determine if a goal is coming purely from their own volition? That will take us to our next kind of goal called "authentic goals". Sonja Lubyomirsky defines these types of goals in her book "The How of Happiness", as ones that are deeply imbedded in our interests, core values, and desires. This again brings us back to the importance of really knowing your authentic self. What are your core strengths, likes, dislikes, and core values? If you can identify those you will have a much easier and more straight forward path to discovering what goals will be authentic to you and will enable you to reap the most benefits from. A question that you can ask yourself when trying to identify whether or not a goal is authentic is, "Am I more or less of the person I want to be while I'm pursuing this goal?". Sometimes that can be the hardest question of all and can require some real emotional intelligence. For me that is where knowing and understanding my tendencies comes in to play (and identifying my enneagram type helped a little too). I know that asking myself what I truly want is a hard question at times and honestly makes me feel uncomfortable. I would much rather ask others for what they need instead of addressing my own wants first, but I realized that I can't help anyone else unless I help myself first. I need to prioritize myself more (one of my other goals...).
Where we can most frequently go wrong though, is by choosing goals that are avoidant in nature, such as "I don't want to be fat", as opposed to "I want to be physically healthier". These avoidant goals have negative connotations and ultimately make you unhappier in the pursuit of them. Instead we should be choosing goals that fit in to our lives and can be adaptable at the different stages of it. Our goals that we had when we were 20 will look much different than our goals will look like when we're 70. It's also important to remember that changing your circumstances (i.e. where you live, what car you drive, and how much money you make) will only make you happier for so long and are nice goals to have but won't ultimately make the greatest positive impact on your life in the long term.
Another great way to identify goals that are worth pursuing is to ask yourself "What kind of legacy you would like to leave behind after you die?". Think about your values, accomplishments, and the high points of your life. If you have descendants what would you want them to be like and value? If you do this exercise on a regular basis it will remind you of what truly matters in life.
Activity: Now that you have an idea how to identify what goals you should and should not be pursuing, write down 8 goals. Remember when classifying whether or not it's a good goal or not keep in mind that value and meaning are key!
Make a Plan and Stick To It
So you have a goal...now what? We're going to talk next about how you can put in place an action plan and get started on achieving those dreams!
Step 1: Commit with passion
Sometimes we really have to go for something even though we might fall flat on our face. Something that I now really appreciate looking back on it, was how whenever one of us would fall in my ballet school we would applaud them because it meant they were really going for it. It instilled a sense of fearlessness in us instead of fearing the repercussions of failure. Our goals require passion in order to achieve them and a bit of the 'Nike',"Just Do It!", mentality! Because if you don't try you will never achieve anything. Research proves that people who strive for something personally significant are far happier than those who don't have strong dreams or aspirations.
Step 2: Creating a plan
So how does one start to implement a plan once you've decided upon a goal? We're going to talk about the WOOP technique today. This technique combines goal setting, mental contrasting, and goal planning in 4 easy to follow steps. The best part about this technique is that you can do it for goals both big and small, and it only takes 5 minutes out of your day to implement. So let's break that down a bit:
Wish - The first step is setting a goal. The more specific you are about a goal the more likely you are to achieve it. Set a time frame for your goal (i.e. "What do I want to achieve for the next 4 weeks?")
Outcome - This is a visualization technique in which you think about all of the positive things that are going to happen as a result of achieving your goal. Try to really experience what it's going to feel like when you achieve it.
Obstacles - Another visualization technique that pairs with thinking about the positive is thinking about the things that are going to get in your way, because you will have to overcome them in order to get the things that you want. Ask yourself, "What's going to stop you?". Try to experience your main inner obstacle (maybe it's something that's consistently gotten in your way your entire life)...that's also where knowing yourself comes in to play.
Plan- This is a self-regulatory strategy in the form of an "if-then plan". Ask yourself what would be an effective habit(s) to overcome that obstacle. Make a list of habits and actions that you can readily do so that if you are faced with a certain obstacle then you will do that action instead. For example if you are trying to eat healthier as your goal and you're ordering out from your favorite restaurant, have a pre planned healthier choice that you're going to order instead of acting impulsively and having your favorite comfort food item. You can also do this for things other than weight loss as well. I for one have been using this technique for my goal of bettering my mind control (which I will talk about more in an upcoming post). A huge obstacle for me right now is the amount of free time that I have to mindlessly scroll through my social media feeds. What this ends up doing is cause me to ruminate and ultimately downward spiral down a path of negative self talk. When I have the urge or the time to just be on social media I implement the if-then strategy and will do a number of things from my better habits lists instead, such as: meditate, paint, write, call a friend, or exercise. Having a list of activities to readily choose from is extremely helpful and immediately pulls me out of my old habits!
Step 3: Have the right support
Another strategy for making sure that you stick to your newly created plan is to ensure that you have the right support. Support comes in many different forms such as informational, tangible and emotional. It is much easier for us to overcome obstacles when we have the proper support. One thing to consider is, "Are you surrounding yourself by things that will promote your success?". This is also known as situational support. It turns out that will-power isn't all it's cracked up to be. Just by changing the visibility and convenience to the things that will hinder our progress makes a huge difference! You can do this in two different ways:
1. Fix bad environments - For me that means deleting apps from my phone so it's not as convenient. You can also implement phone free meal times. Another way can also control the environments you're in is by filtering what e-mails you're receiving or who you follow on social media.
2. Promote healthy environments - Have your gratitude journal by your bed, have your yoga mat and exercise clothes ready to go for your morning workout, or leave a sticky note on your mirror in the morning telling you to meditate. What is great about technology is that we can also set a lot of reminders on our phones and set a specific time to remind us to do the actions we want to do more of so that eventually they'll become a habit.
Probably the most important support to have of all though is social support. Try and fill your life with people who are trying to achieve the same goals and want you to succeed. Having someone there to remind you why you're doing this in the first place is incredibly powerful. We are social creatures and crave that social connection. It is even more powerful when someone can have empathy for what you're going through because they've struggled with the same obstacles themselves and you'll be able to see that they can be overcome. Being able to communicate your fears to a confidant helps ease the pain and makes your goals seem more manageable.
Step 4: Make it a habit
When we talk about goal planning you have to have a high degree of quantitative precision. Which means you need to get really specific on how many times per week and when you're going to do the actions and habits that will help you to achieve your goal. Create a schedule and stick to it. It will bring a sense of control to your life.
Step 5: Be flexible
Happiness comes from the pursuit and journey towards our goals more than actually achieving them, which means we have to fail in order to be happy. This also means that we are going to have to make mistakes and adjustments along the way. Which may mean the original goal we started out with may look very different than the goal we achieve in the end. This requires a sense of letting go of the things we cannot control, because life will throw us curve balls that we won't predict but that doesn't mean that our goals will be automatically out of reach. It just means that we will have to reprioritize or change our sub goals/actions in our plan. This type of control is known as "secondary control", which causes you to look at threats as challenges or opportunities instead of automatic failures. Studies show that if you are able to adapt your goals to the challenges that are presented to you that you will be much happier than those that try to change the situation they're in to fit their goals instead.
So if you read all of that and still feel discouraged due to our current circumstances since you feel like some of your goals are not attainable, I'm going to tell you to just start pursuing your goals anyway. Research suggests that pursuing a goal during a time of crisis may be an excellent coping mechanism by giving you a sense of control, bolstering your self-esteem, and adding structure and meaning to your daily life. Ultimately what goal setting does is remind us consistently what really matters. So I will leave you will this last thought:
"Fail fast, fail hard, and fail often. If you haven't failed yet, you haven't tried anything." - Reshma Saujani
References:
"The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lubyomirsky
WOOP Strategy: https://woopmylife.org/en/home
So you have a goal...now what? We're going to talk next about how you can put in place an action plan and get started on achieving those dreams!
Step 1: Commit with passion
Sometimes we really have to go for something even though we might fall flat on our face. Something that I now really appreciate looking back on it, was how whenever one of us would fall in my ballet school we would applaud them because it meant they were really going for it. It instilled a sense of fearlessness in us instead of fearing the repercussions of failure. Our goals require passion in order to achieve them and a bit of the 'Nike',"Just Do It!", mentality! Because if you don't try you will never achieve anything. Research proves that people who strive for something personally significant are far happier than those who don't have strong dreams or aspirations.
Step 2: Creating a plan
So how does one start to implement a plan once you've decided upon a goal? We're going to talk about the WOOP technique today. This technique combines goal setting, mental contrasting, and goal planning in 4 easy to follow steps. The best part about this technique is that you can do it for goals both big and small, and it only takes 5 minutes out of your day to implement. So let's break that down a bit:
Wish - The first step is setting a goal. The more specific you are about a goal the more likely you are to achieve it. Set a time frame for your goal (i.e. "What do I want to achieve for the next 4 weeks?")
Outcome - This is a visualization technique in which you think about all of the positive things that are going to happen as a result of achieving your goal. Try to really experience what it's going to feel like when you achieve it.
Obstacles - Another visualization technique that pairs with thinking about the positive is thinking about the things that are going to get in your way, because you will have to overcome them in order to get the things that you want. Ask yourself, "What's going to stop you?". Try to experience your main inner obstacle (maybe it's something that's consistently gotten in your way your entire life)...that's also where knowing yourself comes in to play.
Plan- This is a self-regulatory strategy in the form of an "if-then plan". Ask yourself what would be an effective habit(s) to overcome that obstacle. Make a list of habits and actions that you can readily do so that if you are faced with a certain obstacle then you will do that action instead. For example if you are trying to eat healthier as your goal and you're ordering out from your favorite restaurant, have a pre planned healthier choice that you're going to order instead of acting impulsively and having your favorite comfort food item. You can also do this for things other than weight loss as well. I for one have been using this technique for my goal of bettering my mind control (which I will talk about more in an upcoming post). A huge obstacle for me right now is the amount of free time that I have to mindlessly scroll through my social media feeds. What this ends up doing is cause me to ruminate and ultimately downward spiral down a path of negative self talk. When I have the urge or the time to just be on social media I implement the if-then strategy and will do a number of things from my better habits lists instead, such as: meditate, paint, write, call a friend, or exercise. Having a list of activities to readily choose from is extremely helpful and immediately pulls me out of my old habits!
Step 3: Have the right support
Another strategy for making sure that you stick to your newly created plan is to ensure that you have the right support. Support comes in many different forms such as informational, tangible and emotional. It is much easier for us to overcome obstacles when we have the proper support. One thing to consider is, "Are you surrounding yourself by things that will promote your success?". This is also known as situational support. It turns out that will-power isn't all it's cracked up to be. Just by changing the visibility and convenience to the things that will hinder our progress makes a huge difference! You can do this in two different ways:
1. Fix bad environments - For me that means deleting apps from my phone so it's not as convenient. You can also implement phone free meal times. Another way can also control the environments you're in is by filtering what e-mails you're receiving or who you follow on social media.
2. Promote healthy environments - Have your gratitude journal by your bed, have your yoga mat and exercise clothes ready to go for your morning workout, or leave a sticky note on your mirror in the morning telling you to meditate. What is great about technology is that we can also set a lot of reminders on our phones and set a specific time to remind us to do the actions we want to do more of so that eventually they'll become a habit.
Probably the most important support to have of all though is social support. Try and fill your life with people who are trying to achieve the same goals and want you to succeed. Having someone there to remind you why you're doing this in the first place is incredibly powerful. We are social creatures and crave that social connection. It is even more powerful when someone can have empathy for what you're going through because they've struggled with the same obstacles themselves and you'll be able to see that they can be overcome. Being able to communicate your fears to a confidant helps ease the pain and makes your goals seem more manageable.
Step 4: Make it a habit
When we talk about goal planning you have to have a high degree of quantitative precision. Which means you need to get really specific on how many times per week and when you're going to do the actions and habits that will help you to achieve your goal. Create a schedule and stick to it. It will bring a sense of control to your life.
Step 5: Be flexible
Happiness comes from the pursuit and journey towards our goals more than actually achieving them, which means we have to fail in order to be happy. This also means that we are going to have to make mistakes and adjustments along the way. Which may mean the original goal we started out with may look very different than the goal we achieve in the end. This requires a sense of letting go of the things we cannot control, because life will throw us curve balls that we won't predict but that doesn't mean that our goals will be automatically out of reach. It just means that we will have to reprioritize or change our sub goals/actions in our plan. This type of control is known as "secondary control", which causes you to look at threats as challenges or opportunities instead of automatic failures. Studies show that if you are able to adapt your goals to the challenges that are presented to you that you will be much happier than those that try to change the situation they're in to fit their goals instead.
So if you read all of that and still feel discouraged due to our current circumstances since you feel like some of your goals are not attainable, I'm going to tell you to just start pursuing your goals anyway. Research suggests that pursuing a goal during a time of crisis may be an excellent coping mechanism by giving you a sense of control, bolstering your self-esteem, and adding structure and meaning to your daily life. Ultimately what goal setting does is remind us consistently what really matters. So I will leave you will this last thought:
"Fail fast, fail hard, and fail often. If you haven't failed yet, you haven't tried anything." - Reshma Saujani
References:
"The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lubyomirsky
WOOP Strategy: https://woopmylife.org/en/home
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