"Hurt People Hurt People"
Personality Disorders, Attachment Styles, and Therapy
If you're like me, then you've been gripped by the ongoing defamation trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Normally celebrities choose to settle these lawsuits outside of court, because they don't want everything in their lives to become public, especially when it could put their reputation or future work at risk. Which is what makes this trial fascinating to watch and has also created a lot of conversation around toxic relationships, attachment styles, and mental health.
One of the most interesting parts of this trial, being that it is taking place in a 2022 post "Me Too" era, is that most people quickly sided with Johnny Depp and not with a woman describing an abusive relationship. Maybe this is due to his immense celebrity, or maybe there is something more behind it, but it is fascinating nonetheless to see how quickly people have picked sides. From these trials we've learned that both Johnny and Amber have experienced a fair amount of trauma in their lives and that their relationship has been painted as toxic through their emotionally charged and dramatic fights. One of the fights for example resulted in the tip of Johnny's finger being cut off by Amber, and this is just one example of many mind blowing accounts.
It has also brought to light after Shannon Curry, a clinical and forensic psychologist, testified that Amber has both borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, while Amber claims that she suffers from PTSD. Curry is quoted explaining Heard's condition as resulting in her having specific ways to cope saying, "For people with histrionic personality disorder, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not arise from a true feeling of self-worth. They have an overwhelming desire to be noticed, and often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention.". After the diagnosis was made during the testimony by Curry, it added to the image of Amber not being credible and people immediately assumed that she was putting on a show during the proceedings and was playing the victim. While this may be a way Amber copes with her insecurities, we are also more apt to believe Johnny due to his charisma and charm. To put it simply, Johnny has just come across as more likable, even though he has done his fair share of damaging and toxic things throughout their relationship as well.
When it comes to personality disorders, there is a lot that is unknown about them by the general public and people throw around labels too casually like, "he's such a narcissist", way too often. At the root of every personality disorder is an underlying fear that causes the person to create different coping mechanisms. While it may appear that a narcissist is confident and full of themselves for example, it is actually just a facade that the person took on in order to avoid feelings and vulnerability as well as maintain their sense of autonomy. As a result of Amber's possible personality disorder it makes her unable to effectively communicate her side of the story in a believable way. It is also very clear that Amber and Johnny both have very different ways to cope with their past traumas or maybe haven't properly dealt with them at all, which has resulted in unhealthy patterns in their relationships. And as Dr. Darcy said on the "Viall Files" podcast, "hurt people hurt people", because they haven't healed themselves and so they project that hurt onto their partner.
To further complicate matters, while Amber was recounting the early days of their relationship, she described Johnny as the love of her life. It is baffling to consider how one could say that the same person that they claim abused them, could possibly be the love of their life, but studies about "Attachment Styles" shows how anyone could easily fall into this pattern with romantic partners time and time again.
There are four main attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious avoidant. The largest percentage of people make up the secure attachment style at 50%, while 20% of people have an anxious attachment style, 25% have an avoidant attachment, and the least common attachment style, the anxious avoidant attachment, makes up about 3-5% of people. Attachment styles developed in humans due to evolutionary reasons, because we were bred to depend on a partner for survival advantages. Which is why as it is noted in the book "Attached", people will continue to try to achieve closeness until they have a partner to meet those needs, because "Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or preference", as quoted in the book.
Our behaviors and emotions make up our attachment system and send off warning signals to let our brains know when we don't feel safe in relationships. Based on your attachment style, your body will have a different chemical response to those that you're attached to. Often this attachment style is created from your relationship with your care takers. How they provided care to you will dictate how your nervous system responds to different levels of threat and will often indicate how you will react to those you're attached to in adulthood. Which is why it is critical that understand our own needs and look for partners that can be a "secure base". When someone is a "secure base" it means that your nervous and attachment systems aren't constantly triggered. Often in toxic relationships, like Amber's and Johnny's, it is easy to conflate the extreme highs and lows and intense emotions caused by their differences as passion. It is also common for people to end up in relationships with people similar to their care giver, because they believe that this time around they may be able to get their unmet needs met.
Based on your attachment style you will either have a sensitive attachment system (this is commonly found in the anxious attachment style), or you will be desensitized to your attachment system (like what is experienced in an avoidant attachment style). When anxious and avoidant people come together in relationship it can create a lot of anguish on both sides, because they have completely opposite attachment needs. People with an anxious attachment style have nervous systems that are easily activated and triggered, and when it is they will do whatever it takes to regain closeness to their partner. While in contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style are desensitized to their attachment system and will often push people away and are unable to identify their own feelings and emotions. This is because, at some point during the avoidant person's childhood they were taught that having emotions or being vulnerable would get them hurt, so they desensitized themselves to it. However, if the avoidant person's partner has an anxious attachment style, this constant cycle of pushing their partner away will trigger the anxious partner's very sensitive attachment system and leave them feeling lost and they will then try anything to sooth themselves by being close to their partner.
While it is ideal to find a secure partner, that is usually not the case. So if you do find that you are in an avoidant and anxiously paired partnership, then it is crucial for you to both take accountability towards learning what triggers the other in order to create safety and security within the relationship. Thankfully attachment styles are malleable and you can learn different communication strategies to become a more secure partner yourself. Which is where therapy comes in.
There is a lot of stigma around therapy. People believe that you need to have "problems" to start it, but if you don't create awareness around your habit and behaviors and choose to change your negative actions, then you will always see the same outcomes occur. The way that people should approach therapy instead is like an oil change for your car, you need to regularly maintain and care for it in order for it to run properly, just like you need to spend uninterrupted time with a licensed mental health professional so that you can understand why you do the things you do and learn techniques and strategies to help you better cope with what life throws at you.
Due to technology, therapy has become more accessible and affordable thanks to services like Better Help and Talk Space. You can speak with a therapist from the comfort of your own home and try out as many therapists as you'd like until you find the right fit. I for one couldn't be more thankful to have gotten myself back into therapy. However taking that first step and facing our flaws and past can be scary. If therapy feels too daunting, start with understanding your own attachment style, by taking a quiz and reading up on the vast number of resources on the topic. While I do believe accountability is important to create positive change in your life, sometimes it isn't possible to motivate yourself to take that first step, and that's ok, but ask yourself what do you have to lose by just trying? It could potentially save you from a toxic relationship or losing someone who could have provided a secure base for you if you just chose to meet them halfway.
Resources:
Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
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