Clarity = Kindness

 How Setting Expectations Leads to Happiness

We have all experienced the feeling of disappointment when things don't turn out how we expected them to. Having experienced this feeling many times in my life, I set out to discover whether this was something that I could control. 

After reading Nedra Tawaab's book "Set Boundaries Find Peace", I learned the importance of clearly stating expectations when boundary setting. As I discussed in my previous blog post, what we say and how we say it matters, so with this in mind it is important that we are clear and direct when setting expectations. That means you need to directly state your needs without an apology. Many times people will shy away from being direct because we fear that we aren't being kind. 

What I've learned though is that being clear and direct is the kindest approach. It leads to understanding and avoids frustration. We can often see this evidenced in professional scenarios, since reciprocity is so deeply engrained in human nature. This makes it hard to ask for things without wanting to soften our language while doing so. This is one of the reasons why as Nir Eyal points out in his book "Indestractible", that we have so many emails pile up in our inbox. We can't help but want to respond in some way to validate the person's gesture and this kind of softened language doesn't only arise in our professional lives it creeps into our personal lives as well. 

In order to identify where you need to set a boundary through expectation setting, it is important to first understand your values. Your values are the reason why you do something. They are the non-negotiables in your life. Identifying your values may not be as easy as it seems, because we often hold ourselves to incredibly high ideals and choose way too many values that will be never be attainable. That is why narrowing down your values to your "top 3" is critical, because let's face it, if everything is important to you then you can't possibly be placing enough time and attention on what really matters. 

You can narrow down your top three by using Brene Brown's list of values from her book, "Dare to Lead". Once you've identified your top 3 values, evaluate how your are living out those values in all areas of your life. My top three values are gratitude, perseverance, and optimism. If I am not living these values out in my approach to my health, relationships, quality of life, or even in my finances, I know I'm off track. It's also crucial to understand how to set expectations in relationships when your values may be different from someone else's. Your values create clarity, because if you don't know what is truly important to you, how will you ever know what isn't?

After you have a firm understanding of your values and know where you want to make improvements in your life, it's time to vocalize these expectations and put them into action. 

Expectation Setting in Relationships

It is important to keep in mind that no matter how close we are to someone, they cannot read our minds. Which is why we need to be direct and clear with our communication to the people in our lives because this is what creates healthy relationships. 

An eye opening part of Nedra's book for me mentioned how when you are starting a new relationship it's important to set the rules of engagement. Are your views on monogamy, parenting, and quality time the same? Even how you and your partner engage with others on social media should be discussed. This will leave your partner feeling respected, heard, and secure and creates a solid foundation built on honesty and will avoid either party from feeling blind sided or taken advantage of.

Which is why setting expectations shouldn't be and can't be just a one time thing. You need to communicate your needs and update your boundaries throughout your relationship, because what was ok in the beginning may no longer meet your needs in the present. Check in with your partner, friend, or family member to make sure you are on the same page. By already identifying what is most important to you in each aspect of the relationship it will make it clear where you need to set a boundary. If you no longer share the same values then you need to evaluate if the benefits of the relationship outweigh the costs. 

This may seem incredibly daunting and scary even, but another amazing take away that I got from "Set Boundaries Find Peace", was that a healthy relationship will never end because of setting a boundary. 

Professional life

Our personal relationships aren't the only relationships that will benefit from clear expectations. The ability to set clear expectations is also the bench mark of effective leadership. The misunderstanding of the expectations of the role and a lack of security are the two leading causes for job dissatisfaction. Which is why as an employer you need to set your employees up for success even before you've hired them during the interview process. 

Like in personal relationships and with your own goals, the first step towards effective expectation setting is to understand the values of the company and the job requirements. Once you have a firm understanding of both you can then provide the candidate and possibly future hire a clear picture of what it will be like to work for the company and was is most important for an employee to possess. 

This will avoid the horrible conversation when your employer sits you down and tells you that you aren't performing to the standards that they expected, but you're sitting there thinking that you wish you knew that you were going to be required to work on the weekends to begin with. It is your job as the employer to make sure the expectations are clear throughout the employees time with the company so that they have a chance to effectively do their job.

This is why clarity = kindness. Even when it seems harsh it is the most thoughtful and considerate thing you can do for the people in your life.

Resources:

"Set Boundaries Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawaab

"Indestractable" by Nir Eyal

"Dare to Lead" by Brene Brown